Aisle Of Wit

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Listen Up, Pig Snout

Oh, my darling quaran-tine Barbara Ferrer.  You sure picked the wrong day to have yet another press conference drumrolling what YOU now see is the inevitable return to indoor mask mandates in Los Angeles County, which you currently serve as an overpaid, underqualfiied regurgitator of goosed-up statistics relating to percentages of new reported cases of infection and hospitalization, all of which include non-COVID factors in their totals, to justify YOUR continuing relevance and your doctorate of SOCIOLOGY to justify your eagerness to reinstate a world where looking like this is considered an improvement.

Perhaps in your case, darling, it is.  In most other normal, healthy, rational-thinking humans’ minds, it’s a compromise at best. one that people beaten down by the other concurrent hells we are enduring consider a battle not worth having. even in their minds, and ascribe a false sense of trust and belief into your politically fueled decisions and intrepretations of trajectories.  You’ve all but declared July 29th as the day we will return to the theatre of masks that you know damn well that you not only cannot rigidly enforce, but you yourself have violated. I own the exact same Dodger mask you’re wearing, and I know G-ddamn well it fails to meet the rigid standards of KN-95 layers and tightness that you continue to spew, much like the sweat and spit that comes froms my mouth when I’m dumb enough to wear mine,  Make no mistake, there’s better makes and models of Dodgers’ masks out there, and I bought them and own them.  Since you’ve already sealed our fates in your mind, I strongly suggest you look into buying them.  After all, at $600,000/year, you probably have enough of a reserve to do so.

Me, not so much.  You picked the worst possible day to be photographed as you are these days with your theatrical modeling of the mask you “recommend” because late yesterday I was informed by Activision Blizzard, a company where a brilliant, honest and stunning (in that order) former colleague of mine personally recommended me for a marketing position that I am certainly qualified for.  Arguably, overqualified.  But as I continue to insist, implore, and even PLEAD at times, I really am far beyond the point of trying to hope for an equivalent position from the ones I’ve held in the past.  I always fill in the line in the application asking for salary requirements as “Yes”.  I do want a salary.  As long as it’s above zero, it’s better than what I’m earning now.

Sure enough, after noticing the HR person had scanned my LinkedIn, minutes later I got yet another form letter saying “the position had been filled”.  That’s right, not even a f-cking INTERVIEW. For the 644th time since March 2020, I’m rejected. My good friend chides me that Im waaaaaaaaay too stubborn–am I gonna get the message that I’m NEVER gonna get hired again before or after I hit 1000 rejections?    Usually, I sheepishly reply that as someone who literally has stared death in the face I absolutely CANNOT give up the ghost of somehow, somewhere, actually earning a steady paycheck once more before I eventually do die, and make at least two women I once said “I love you” too extraordinarily elated.

This morning, I’m honestly not sure.  I’m as browbeaten as the poor schmucks who Barbara Ferrer’s statistics directly impact are who resign thenmselves to covering as much of their far more attractive face that hers as thinking that’s THE magic pill to saving our existences.  Look at their eyes, Barbara.  Yes, we’re existing.  But, honestly, do we look HAPPY?  Could you even tell if we were?  And, most of all, do you even give a sh-t?

So let’s put our cards on the table once and for all.

Vaccines do work, and I’ve got four of them.  Not only have I never gotten COVID, I haven’t had close contact with anyone who has, and that INCLUDES plenty of unvaccinated people.  Am I pressing my luck?  Debatable.  But I can only speak my truth, and my truth is that I’m doing fine, thank you very much.

Every single time someone like you makes the plea for masks and they are questioned by objective journalists, the elitist defense mechanisms kick in and masking becomes lumped in with all of the other “tools” we have, including vaccines, testing, etc. etc. etc.  Funny how you’re all so quick to bring up other mitigating factors to defend your theatrical demonstration of face coverings, but the same myriad of factors that impact the numbers that you reference in your daily media barrage seem to be reduced to fine print that scant few ever bother to read.  If you, dear reader, haven’t recently read how and waht qualifies for diagnosed cases, I strongly suggest before you dismiss me as having lost my mind completely, spend a few seconds and look it up for youtself.  I KNOW I’M NOT WRONG IN WHAT I BELIEVE!!!

And yet…I’m so friggin’ hungry for a paycheck of any kind, I’m vowing to anyone who has gotten this far that even if you do get your way and you shove your bullsh-t mask mandate down our throats yet again, I will absolutely, without any bitching whatsoever, happily wear one if SOMEONE WILL F—IN’ HIRE ME!!!!!  Evnm if unlike you, you isolated bitch, I have to be one of the plebians who will actually have to work outside my lavish home—you know the kind that $600K a year can still afford in LA?

So, look, BABS.  I’m through even trying to hide my contempt for you.  Maybe when I do get a job–and at least by my count I;’ve got at least 355 more rejections still in me–I’ll be somewhat less enraged than I am now.  Right now, the very fact you think this drumroll will help businesses have enough confidence to continue to hire people knowing that what follows mandates are lockdowns, shows exactly how detached you are from reality once you live in a bubble with the lower half of your face hidden from view and the upper portion of your head thoroughly incapable of empathic thinking.

It’s a PIG SNOUT, BABS.  And you look like you’re choking.  I’m ashamed to admit I kind of wish you would.

How about offering me a job and kill two birds with one stone?  I can certainly help you create more compelling and less obviously convoluted stats.

I could even help you with fashion consulting.  THIS is how you wear a sports team mask more effectively, you cow.

Give it a thought.  Perhaps we can get along professionally.

For now, I’m not even going to pretend I like or respect you as a person.  Because you sure don’t give a flying f-ck about me.

Does anyone?!?!?!


Until next time…